ABC's of Love

Fill your relationship tool box with the ABCs of Love. From sex to confrontation, romance to personal growth, the alphabet of love covers every tip you will ever need to become his ultimate partner.

The perfect recipe for a successful relationship is the combination of two devoted people and the right relationship tools. This simply-put guide to love may be the only one you will ever need. Post it on your fridge, at your desk, on your bathroom mirror, or anywhere else you are likely to look at it every day. Practice your ABC’s until they become second nature, and you can be sure your love will last.

• Advocate for your lover whenever they need you.
• Be a great team player.
• Collect your thoughts before a confrontation.
• Discuss, don’t nag.
• Exercise your ability to turn them on.
• Find new adventures to embark on together.
• Give them reasons why you love them each and every day.
• Hold your partner’s hand while you walk down the street.
• Include each other in decision making.
• Judge not the mistakes of the past.
• Kiss slowly, forgive quickly.
• Learn your partner’s love language.
• Make love when he needs to be loved.
• Never put him down in front of others.
• Open your mind to change.
• Plan grand gestures of love for them every so often.
• Quit your bad habits.
• Resist temptation.
• Support to your partner’s dreams and desires.
• Trust your partner more than you trust anyone else.
• Underestimate not the power of praise.
• Value his attributes and strengths.
• Welcome his advice.
• X out selfishness.
• Yield and compromise when your partner needs you to.
• Zeal and creativity is how you please him between the sheets.

The Science of Attraction

Have you ever been flooded with feelings at the mere sight of a certain someone or inexplicably drawn to a stranger? It’s called chemistry. The term was coined ages ago, but recently, researchers are giving it a more scientific explanation. Below, you will find out what professionals say it takes for two people to have "chemistry" and we will tell you how to harness nature's matchmaker to help you in your quest for love. 

To begin with, chemistry is activated by first impression attraction. That attraction is shaped by social influence, individual perspective, and human nature. Each society has a set of accepted guidelines for what is attractive. Beyond that, each sub-culture of people, grouped by common criteria like location, age, class, race, religion, workforce, etc. has its own set of “norms” as well. Your family and the media are two of the most impactful influences on your perspective. You begin to judge yourself and others through lenses created by these societal forces, however accurate or distorted they may be. Most of the world’s cultures have norms quite different than those in America. A good example is the Miss United Kingdom pageant compared to similar contests in the US. The UK contestants’ bodies were more like the average American twenty-something women than the rail-thin silhouettes you are likely to see in American pageants. What we call a little extra baggage, they see as fit and beautiful. The farther away we get from Western society, the more evident this difference is.

To further explain initial attraction as major factor in chemistry, we must also look at the way you see yourself. Your view of your own sex appeal is a major contributor to who you are attracted to. Research proves that people are romantically attracted to those they consider to be on their same level of physical attractiveness. If your internal measuring tape puts your prospective love interest on an equal playing field with yourself, it gives your brain the go ahead to pursue intimacy. If someone is struggling with their self-image, the internal conflict will skew their judgement of who is or isn't on par.

Physical attractiveness is, in part, determined by the human urge to breed. Women are intuitively attracted to men with physical features that suggest a level of testosterone ideal for procreation. They include a prominent jaw, chin, and brow, high forehead, broad shoulders, and a V-shaped torso. Both men and women are instinctively attracted to healthy looking skin because it implies good overall health. 

The lack of testosterone in women develops full lips, big eyes, and symmetrical body types, all positive signs of fertility. Men are subconsciously attracted to substantial waist-to-hip ratios, or “Beyonce booties,” because the shape indicates a healthy reproductive system. The hips-to-waist rule crosses every cultural boundary, but make no mistake, it is the ratio rather than the size that attracts men.

The hormones that determine your body type are not the only signals your body is conveying to prospective lovers. Our bodies release “scents” that are detected subconsciously by other people. You might have heard these referred to as pheromones, or pheromone-like substances, because they work just like the pheromones that have been proven to play a large role in animals’ mate selection. These unique DNA “scents” tell the details of one’s MHC, or Major Histocompatibility Complex, the gene family that tells all about your immune system. The odorless scents are believed to be breathed in by others, received by the vomeronasal gland, or VNO, and sent to the sexual part of the brain. Erik Hozzle, founder of Scientificmatch.com called them “personal odorless fingerprints.” 

Hormones are at the root of the receiving person’s interpretation as well. Their response varies by gender, but is also individual. Depending on the other person’s unique chemical make-up, they will be subconsciously attracted to a person sexually, non-sexually, or not at all. We are attracted to people with differing immune systems and DNA than our own. Experts say this is nature’s way of discouraging incest. During a woman’s especially fertile times, she is the most sensitive to male pheromones, especially those men with differing immune systems. During pregnancy, she is more attracted to people whose chemical make-ups are most like her own (other women and family members) than her mate. Some say that hormone birth controls have the potential to alter who you are attracted to as well, so watch out! If this is true, your guy may not look so great once you get on the pill! 

Scienficmatch.com is the next step in technology-based matchmaking. They identify appropriate mates for you by collating DNA samples. They claim that mate selection through chemical comparison is likely to yield more satisfying sex lives, including higher rates of female orgasms, lower rates of infidelity, and increased fertility! Founder Erik Hozzle assured me that his service operates under the strictest confidentiality. The Today Show recently featured a story on Hozzle and his company. The reporter had her DNA tested and Scientificmatch.com didn’t come up with any matches. I think that Scientificmatch.com taking the high road when they could have easily been dishonest and matched her to someone for good PR speaks wonders about the company’s ethics.

Even though the company showed honest business practice, they may be missing the full picture. The Today Show furthered their investigation by having three couples who were at various stages in their relationships (all claiming to be incredibly happy) take the DNA test to assess their compatibility. One couple tested 100% compatible, while the other two were 67%. The female in the couple who tested to be the most likely to succeed said, “I think you just saved our relationship.” That just goes to prove that the scientific “chemistry” is only one component of the chemistry equation. 

There are many pieces to the puzzle that seem unexplainable, like love at first sight or that magnetism that erupts between strangers. Bob Morgan, former psychology professor and current director of ADAPT, a counseling center specializing in addiction recovery, says that the initial feelings of lust or chemistry are ultimately about propagation of the species, so it makes sense that they are fleeting. They serve their biological purpose and dissipate when they are no longer needed. In order for a relationship to be both fulfilling and stable, the lust must be replaced with love. Morgan says that being in a relationship is the “normal state of being” for humans and that it is our natural drive to seek that connection; attraction exists as a part of our innate need to love and be loved. He quotes Father Joseph Martin saying, “People are most human in the context of a relationship.” 

A better indicator of relationship longevity according to Morgan is emotional maturity. How well someone knows and accepts themselves is a direct gauge for what they will bring into a relationship. William Menninger, MD, co-founder of The Menninger Clinic, wrote these criteria for emotional maturity: 

• The ability to deal constructively with reality
• The capacity to adapt to change
• A relative freedom from symptoms that are produced by tensions and anxieties
• The capacity to find more satisfaction in giving than receiving
• The capacity to relate to other people in a consistent manner with mutual satisfaction and helpfulness
• The capacity to sublimate, or to direct one’s instinctive hostile energy into creative, constructive outlets
• The capacity to love

Morgan’s standpoint is that each person’s situation is distinctive according to where they are on their life journey, how much wisdom they have acquired, and how emotionally mature they are. These things change how much each aspect of attraction plays a part in a person's mate selection and relationship dynamics. 

Another point of view comes from Virginia Satir, world renowned and honored therapist, teacher, author, and creator of counseling methods used around the globe. She says that people “marry to get,” simple as that. When opposites attract, people detect attributes that they admire, ones lacking in themselves, and subconsciously envision their collective traits as completion of their best selves. According to Satir’s perspective, mate selection has little to do with compatibility and much to do with the psychological process of attraction. 

Satir explains why opposites attract, but what keeps them together? When the fireworks fade, they have no common interests to fall back on. They must cling to what is deep inside to be successful. Bob Morgan says he and his wife are this way. They share core values, but are quite contradictory to each other in every other way. Given a pair of choices, the two will choose opposites nearly every time without knowing what the other chose. Having different interests and passions in life could easily be a growing wedge between them, but their love supersedes their differences. Bob’s favorite definition of love reads, “When your needs are as important as my needs.” This kind of love is more powerful than lust, attraction, common interests, animal instincts, social influence, and even self-esteem. When you are capable of this kind of love, you may find it with someone like you or unlike you in biology or psychology. There are plenty of rules in chemistry, but there are no rules when it comes to love. 

Strive to be an emotionally mature person, ready to give and accept love. Challenge yourself to break out of your relationship paradigm. Get to know yourself first, and when you're secure with who you are and what you see in the mirror, you will be able to accept a partner in the same way. A healthy lifestyle where you are happy with yourself affects your psyche and hormones, making you attractive to others. The more aware we are of that, the easier it should be to allow the “magic” to happen naturally.

10 Traits He Wants in a Girlfriend

According to Gloria MacDonald, founder of Perfect Partners, a personalized matchmaking service, men are subconsciously looking for three things: Beauty, health and youth. Yes, it sounds superficial and, it is. But MacDonald stresses that they just can’t help it. They’re wired this way. “The more you can do to look beautiful, healthy and youthful, the better your chances are,” she says.

So where does that leave us? Well, even if you aren’t giving Angelina or Cameron a run for their money in the perfect ten department, there are ways to boost your dateability and give him what he’s looking for.

1. Dress for your body type
Just because it looks good in the magazine or in the shop window, doesn’t mean it will suit you and your body. Whether you have a tiny waist and large hips, long torso and short legs or tend to be a bit round all over, there are things you should wear – and things you shouldn’t. The trick here is to go shopping with someone objective, someone who will be honest about what looks good on you. If all else fails, invest in a session with a personal shopper. They will save you from many fashion missteps and teach you what works best for your body type.

2. Highlight your best features (and downplay the less favorable ones)
Make-up isn’t for everyone, but that doesn’t mean you can’t dabble. There are simple ways to shine the spotlight on your best features and minimize the ones you don’t want him to focus on. Head to your local department store and ask them for a makeover. Yes, they will encourage you to buy things, but at the end of it, you’ll know how to show off your high cheekbones, while making the dark circles under your eyes disappear.

3. Take care of your skin
Many of us are not born with flawless skin. But even if dewy and glowing aren’t what stare back at your in the mirror, do what you can with what you have. Wash the make-up off before you hit the pillow, moisturize, wear sunscreen (always), and splurge on a session with an aesthetician so you can learn what products best suit your skin type.

4. Embrace the gym
Whether you’re trying to lose that last ten pounds or you just like that post-workout glow you get after your kickbox class, exercise is your friend, especially if you want to find – and keep a guy. It will keep you in shape, boost your confidence, tone you up in all the right places and just make you feel good.

5. Think positive
If you have a positive attitude, you have a better chance of attracting a date. “What goes on in your head is one of the most important things that can make you more dateable,” MacDonald says. The more positive you feel, the happier you will be and the more pleasant you’ll be to spend time with.

6. Know how to flirt
Flirting is all about creating a rapport and making a connection with someone, ideally, someone whom you’d like to get to know better. Not comfortable flirting? Practice wherever you go — the more you do it, the easier it will become.

7. Be a good listener
No one wants to date someone who makes them feel boring. You don’t have to jump up and down every time he opens his mouth, but pay attention to when he talks. “Be sincerely and genuinely interested in what the other person is saying,” explains MacDonald.

8. Have a hobby and interests
In order to have something to talk about and an identity outside that of your potential significant other, you need a life of your own. This could be a book club, pottery class or weekend mountain bike races. Regardless of the activity, do something for you, that you enjoy so you aren’t so wrapped up in him that you drive him insane.

9. Be a balanced conversationalist
Some people dominate the conversation, some people stay quiet. Others ask so many questions they make you feel like you’re under investigation by the FBI. Being a good conversationalist means having the right balance of talking, asking and listening.

10. Exude confidence
Obviously, confidence doesn’t grow on trees, and unless you count the liquid variety (i.e. vodka), it doesn’t come in a bottle either. But if you feel good about yourself, you will be more attractive to the opposite sex. The more confident you are, the less desperate you will appear. And we all know that desperation does not usually lead to a full dance card.

Who Is Your Ideal Partner?

In the dating world, it seems that everyone expects the love of their life to fall from a tree and knock them dizzy with bliss. The facts of the matter are hardly as hit-and-miss as our secret desires would like them to be. When someone has a spell of good luck, it’s rarely because of some undeserved, haphazard gift bestowed upon them. If you look back to the period prior to any favorable happenings, you’ll discover a lot of hard work and planning were most likely involved. There is truth in the belief that the effort you put into something will be equal to the result you receive. Where people usually go wrong with this formula is extending the wrong type of effort. The same is true for finding a life mate.

If you don’t discern what you want or expect from your life, you’re never going to get it. You wouldn’t expect a business person to start a new business without researching the field and discovering if it’s a suitable fit. Yet, people consistently dive into the dating pool without first making sure of what they want. The fact that someone shows a bit of interest does not mean they are a suitable match for you. In the end, it isn’t just strong affection or love that makes a relationship work. It’s how compatible you are and how you deal with the little day-to-day things that count. The only way to truly discover what you need from a relationship is to actually plan and research exactly what you want.

When you are ready to seriously begin your quest for finding your life mate, use the following steps to help you get started.

Step 1: Do Your Research 
No great plan or endeavor can really get off the ground without research. Applying this to your love life may seem strange, but it really only takes a new perspective to get things going. First, analyze your past relationships. What traits or qualities did you really like about your previous partners? Write them down. Then take a look at what aspects of their personalities or your relationship that you disliked. Write those down as well.

You’ll probably get a fairly clear idea of your ideal mate at this point. However, don’t just stop with looking into the past. You’ll get an even more complete picture if you take a look at the people around you who have influenced your overall concept of the ideal relationship. Your parents or other family members' relationships will affect your opinions greatly. Do the same comparison of likes and dislikes for them. If there are other friends or role models, be sure to analyze those as well.

Step 2: Understand Your Desires
Truly knowing yourself allows you to understand all of your strengths and weaknesses. Once you’re comfortable with what those are, you can find ways to make them work for you. For instance, if you’d rather eat dirt than clean, you know you’ll always need a housekeeper. You also have some more insight on what traits your perfect partner needs to have, in this case a high tolerance for sloppiness. For some of you, the weakness may be an insecurity issue. In this case, while eventually you may get over it, you probably don’t want to get involved with a social butterfly. You’re going to be a lot happier with someone who is a little more reserved in public. Some traits or qualities wouldn’t be considered deal breakers, while others are must haves. Each person is different, so these qualifiers will be unique to each individual. Your job is to figure out the must-have characteristics of your ideal partner.

First, define what you want and need. You did most of this in step one. Now it’s time to expand on your discoveries and get a complete picture of your ideal relationship. Make sure to include small snippets of things you’ve always envisioned doing. For instance, do you imagine someone who enjoys cuddling on the couch while watching scary movies with the snow falling outside? Whatever it is, make sure to write it down so you can refer back to it and make changes as necessary.

Next, you need to determine what certain terminology actually means to you. You won’t be able to express what you expect from a partner if you don’t even know what it is yourself. Take a while and really figure out what exactly does love mean to you. What is your idea of "romance"? What are your views regarding sex? What does marriage mean to you? What about commitment?

Now it’s time to look at what specific requirements you’d like your potential life partner to have. How important is education? What about their level of independence or financial stability? What stage in their career should they be at? What about religious beliefs? Is having a different romantic style a deal breaker?

By knowing ahead of time exactly what it is you're looking for, you'll be able to tell early in a relationship if the person you are with matches your criteria. This will allow you to end bad relationships before anything progresses too far. In addition, you’ll be able to move ahead with more confidence when you do find that particular someone who meets your expectations.

Step 3: Put Your Discoveries into Practice
So, you now know what you want, but how do you go about actually getting it? Since there are shelves of books dedicated to this pursuit, I’m just going to give you a few pointers to steer you in the right direction.

The first tip should be fairly obvious, but it’s amazing how often it’s over-looked. You’ve just dedicated all this time to figuring out what makes you tick, so it’s time to use it to your advantage. If you’re looking for someone to date, don’t go to a place you’re not likely to meet anyone with those qualifications. Try to find the best possible places where the odds of meeting someone with your particular interests are higher. If you love to cook, join some cooking classes. If you love to read, join a book club. If you love dancing, take some dance lessons. A little research into what your city offers could pay off quite nicely. When you talk with someone you are interested in, try bringing up the hobbies and interests you enjoy. Get a gauge early on as to whether you actually have things in common. This is also a great conversational segue to asking for an actual date.

When you go on your dates, do things that reflect how you want your marriage or long-term relationship to be. For instance, if you enjoy shopping, take your date on a few trips to the mall. If you love the outdoors, let your dates reflect that. Not only will you be finding out if you both enjoy the same things, you’ll also be giving your potential partner a better glimpse at who you really are. Even if things don’t work out romantically, if you discover you share common interests, you’ve at least gained a friendship.

Can You Truly Understand ?

Let's face it; there are a lot of relationship theories out there. One trend that seems to pop up frequently is the belief that there is a vast difference between men and women. Let's all pretend we believe this for a moment… If this theory is true then it would be similar to trying to communicate with someone from another country with a unique language and culture. You might find this difficult, but you would have to find a way to communicate if you were to cohabitate or spend frequent time with them.

In theory this sounds rather workable. It's not so difficult to consider that men and women are completely different beings raised with different viewpoints, communication styles and thought patterns. In practice though you will find that each person defies being molded or put into a group. Sure, there are some common traits that may seem attributable to an entire group, but one universal truth still remains. What might seem like a truth or fact for you may not in fact be true for another person. Think about that thought for a moment. Just because you find something that works for you, it doesn't mean it will work for someone else. So, in respect for individuality and freedom of expression, we need to take this theory a step further in order to actually find a method of decoding and classifying our mate or future mate's behavior.

Instead of considering men and women as two unique groups with their own cultural habits and traits, consider each person as their own unique group. Every person has their own story, their own habits and their own way of thinking. There are countless factors that could have contributed to the way a person acts or feels. The goal of being in a relationship is taking the time to discover what those factors are for the specific person you are with.

When you are in a relationship or just starting one, it's vitally important to remember that in many situations your partner may not be thinking the same thoughts as you. They may not handle situations in the same way. Everything from holidays to the way you eat could be different. Guess what? THAT'S OKAY! Being different doesn't compromise the potential of the relationship. It's the inability to find common ground and develop a real interest in understanding each other that's the real source of trouble.

Now, instead of trying to find blanket rules that fit every man and woman, we can break it down to something more workable; finding the rules for your one particular love interest. Sound more confrontable? Let's break it down even further.

Finding Love With Social Networking

Move over dating sites, there's a new player in town. If you need to expand your circle of dating opportunities, you may have overlooked one very obvious and growing choice. Social networking sites have grown so tremendously over the last few years that they now outrank nearly all online dating sites and even most search engines. What does this mean for your dating life? If you haven't jumped on the social networking band wagon yet, here are a few reasons that may have you reconsidering your stance.

1. Love Is Free
Nearly all of the top social networking sites are free. That's right, no monthly memberships or free trials to mess around with. Just sign up and you're in and on your way to finding your love match.

Practical Tip: Wade through the masses and join a networking site that fits your interests. This will narrow down the playing field and bit and help you target someone more suited to you and your personality.

2. Location, Location, Location
The first thing most people do, after filling out their profile, is look for people near them or people they might know. Due to this basic instinct, you're more likely to find someone closer to you, and possibly even a forgotten love.

Practical Tip: You may not feel comfortable with giving away your location. There's nothing wrong with that, but do try to share a general idea of where on the globe you are to avoid unnecessary and unwanted contacts.

3. The Freedom of Expression
Probably the greatest aspect of a social networking site is your freedom to express your inner self in greater detail. You can customize most profile pages very extensively from the background to the music. Not only does this allow potential mates to see more of the real you, you get a great opportunity to see a little more into their inner psyche as well.

Practical Tip: Use some discretionary judgement when creating your profile. Avoid using dark text colors on dark backgrounds and vice versa. Very bright or clashing colors will not be received very well either. When you put up pics, really think about an outsiders viewpoint and what they'll discern from them. If they don't communicate the message you want to share about yourself, don't put them up.

4. Friendly Stamp of Approval
Since most of your friends will also be online, you can take advantage of the sixth degree friend factor. Somehow it just feels better if you know someone who knows this person. Consider it an extra safety precaution for you.

Practical Tip: Ask your friends how well they know the person and whether or not they are available for a personal relationship.

5. Dig A Little Deeper
Social networking profiles ask a little more information than a typical dating profile. You can take advantage of this by viewing profile pages of their friends, viewing comments made and even checking out what schools or jobs they've had. Having all this information readily available lets you make a more informed decision about whether you might be a good match.

Practical Tip: Be ready to share the real you with the world. Don't hold back when it comes to sharing blogs, quotes, images or songs you love. Everything you share gives your potential someone a deeper look into the inner you.

The Downside
Now, while there are very positive aspects to social networking sites, there are some downsides you should consider as well. Due to their popularity, you may run into quite a few frogs before you find your prince. Be discerning about who you choose to get "closer" with. Dating sites will sometimes run accuracy checks on the relationship status of a member. You won't find that on a social networking site. Safeguard your heart and always approach a new interest in the vein of friendship. If you do find a spark lit, remember the saying, "love is friendship set on fire."

New Relationship

1. After any long-term relationship it may be tough to find the inner strength or desire to open your heart to love again. When a love interest comes knocking at your door, how do you know that old battle wounds and scars have been healed enough to let love in? Seeing as each person is completely individual, there really isn't a way to know exactly when the right time to begin a new relationship is. What may work for one person, may not work for another. Fortunately, there are a few key attributes that successful relationships have in common. If you find that you meet these, then it may be time to let love in. When you're ready to analyze your heart's state of affairs, take an honest look at the questions below to determine how ready you really are.
   1 - How stable is your life? 
   How can you possibly hope to keep a relationship together if your life isn't put together properly? I think many of us use relationships as a way to help fix ourselves, when actually; we should be trying to do that before we find someone else. Isn't it true that a good many of our love interests result from someone who was there to give us a stable hand? How do you think your next relationship will benefit if you were already stable?
   2 - Have you learned something about yourself from every past relationship?
   On our path through life we encounter many different obstacles, people and experiences. This is what makes us unique. Everyone has a different life experience. The people who create happy lives take each experience and make it work for them, especially if it is a negative one. If you haven't learned something about the way you interact with another person from your past relationships, you're living in cycle that won't get broken until you take the time to find out. You can't possibly expect to break negative habits if you're not aware of them.
   3 - Have you narrowed down your specific desires as to what type of person you want to meet?
   Each relationship offers us an opportunity to review our master list of qualities of our ideal mate. Sometimes, what we thought we wanted didn't even come close to what we really needed. After a long-term relationship it is especially prudent to revise your list of desirable traits. Were there things about your past partner that hindered you from being really you? What traits would help you feel the most comfortable with being yourself?
   4 - Are you really over your past?
   I know, you're probably thinking it's a misprint? You may be thinking "Don't you mean past love?" Sometimes, I find we identify our past with our past loves. Our life may have included something that was special that we may be feeling is missing now. Somehow that gets wrapped up in our emotions with our past love. So, instead of trying to find new ways to make our life more complete, we think we need to have our past love to feel complete. Make sure you identify your real sources of desire before beginning a new relationship.
   5 - Have you talked about your feelings with someone else?
   It is often easier to deal with the real issues of the heart privately. However, this isn't always the best option. Talking about what's really going on in your mind and your heart gives you the opportunity to release any painful or negative emotions you didn't know you had bottled up. Trust me, there are almost always bottled up emotions you're unaware of. If you don't have anyone you feel you can trust to talk to, try talking to a group of people online. A great place to start would be our anonymous advice forums. Use them as a sounding board to get inspiration or just to get everything off your chest. Whoever you talk to, you'll be glad you did.